BURNING MAN at the Kreme Burners Camp!!!

By DuckyDoc and FurryMonkey


So you want to come and “experience” Burning Man (BM)??!!!

ARE you out of your f… mind??!!

Who is insane enough to want to “experience” dust storms with winds up to 40mph, with dusty powder entering EVERY orifices of your body? Who wants to eat, smell and drink that nasty stuff???!!!

Who wants to be hugged by “freaks” in bizarre costumes (or NO clothes at all for that matter…) people who you would never give a second thought in your cozy sheltered life…

YOU do??!!!!

Ok then… let’s get ready for The Wildest Ride of your life!!!!



BM in fact DOES NOT exist!!!! If you go today to Black Rock Desert, NV, you would only find a dry lake bed swept by winds and scorched under the unrelenting sun… and that is during the day. At night, the temperature drops from 100 degrees to 40 degrees!!!

But then the miracle happens… every year the week before Labor Day, THOUSANDS of people converge to Black Rock Desert and built a City!!! Black Rock City (BRC)!!

So is it a real City??? NO!! In fact, it is a MIRAGE… a CONCEPT… malleable at mercy… prone to take on colors, shapes, and forms ever changing… depending on YOU!! Burning Man is ONLY what you make of it… with your fears, hopes, and experiences (past, present and …future). If you have negative energy… the Man WILL be negative, if you are positive… the Man will be positive, if you are open…then the true experience begins… The Man will NEVER go to you… YOU must to go to the Man.

So… still interested, intrigued??!!!

Ok here is the download!!




BM is ALL about NON-judgment!! So, your male Homo sapiens neighbor wears a tutu (please NO pink… I hate pink… – Hey… you said no judgment!!) SO WHAT??!!

You (Ladies) want to wear a corset and garter belts… SO WHAT??!! Nobody cares… except other Ladies who want to “do” you… (see Sex below)

You want to stay at Camp all week… so be it. Nobody will come and bother you.

You want to play Classical Music instead of Techno… good chances are that you will be surrounded by tens of fans in a minute… (Please no Country Music…it gives me rashes… – Hey… you said no judgment!!)

In short… do what YOU want to do… don’t waste your time with what others thinks… this is NOT your cubicle at work!!

Now what are YOU???!!!



Partiers: People who go to BM only for the music (24/7), booze (24/7) or drugs (24/7). In fact usually the 3 are combined. They are not much into talking, chatting and meeting new people. They are on their own trip, which rarely coincides with your trip… which makes conversations a bit challenging but always fun…

Sensors: The Other Kind!!! The Ones who want to “experience” with all their senses… music, arts, people, costumes, etc. The ones who still have kids’ eyes… Who can still laugh at stupid things, who can still cry when faced to beauty … BTW, if you don’t laugh hysterically at least once and if you don’t cry at least once during the week then you have NOT experienced BM. As far as crying you will have 2 occasions to cry: the Temple and the Lighted Lanterns of TinTin; as for laughing… McGyvers will give us plenty of opportunities to laugh (never made on purpose!!!)



This is serious: BM is on a Federal Land. So ALL illegal drugs are forbidden!! PERIOD. Several Law Enforcements Agencies are patrolling the City. What you do in your RV/tent is of no interest to me. ESPECIALLY do NOT take anything from anyone on the Playa!!!!!!!! You WILL get sick and your Medical Officers (Chris and I) will have to nurse you back to life… and that my party friend will cost you dearly… If you want to fuck up your BM then do it, but don’t mess with mine.



BM is full of sexual energy!! It is up to you to participate or not. Contrary to Urban Legends there are NO opened-sky, free for all, orgies!!! You just have to find them…..

That said… don’t be surprised if someone comes to you and ask if you like “C…k” or “P…y”… very simple, direct, no BS about it. And a NO is a NO (and that goes for you guys too…I know since I have been asked in the past by gay guys… I said no, we sat for a beer and talked for hours about life in general…). For you Ladies… it is a SAFE place… if anyone touches you without your express consent… believe me (I saw it once in 3 years)… the SOB will be surrounded by TENS of Burners who are ready to hang that bastard…. Now Ladies, it is not only the guys who may approach you!! In fact, 60% of Burners are man (with a large majority of gay guys… those bastards with really nicely shaped bodies… show off… BTW… come over here my little sweet Chris… come on sweetie…), 40% women (with a very large portion of bi-girls… so if you are… hummm it WILL be fun for you and your guy).



Ok my favorite after…..SEX!!!

If you want to spend the week eating Power bars…then do it… but NOT in OUR CAMP!!!

Ok, you need them… but bring a very good cooler, freeze your food before hand and you WILL enjoy a nice meal at night with a good wine or liquor… whatever suits your mood. I always bring: pork chops (no bones!!), salmon, shrimps (already prepared… no tails!), steaks and chicken.

You need to bring for you and a bit for others. But YOU will bring too much!!! And by the way….leave at home the rest of your last diner in the civilized world!! EVERY year… some dumb fuck brings some leftovers… they rot and spoil the rest (fun included!!). Also refrain from buying “last minute” food… just in case… (I know, I fucking do it every year and guess what?? I am still eating them weeks after BM.)

Breakfast: the MOST important meal of the day!! The best (besides Frittatas from John) is oatmeal.

Oh! Bring some 5-hrs Energy drinks. You will need them!!!! (and if you don’t ..McGyvers will!!)



Ok here we have to be serious… don’t think you will arrive and drill your own well… the ground is concrete hard, the sun is broiling you and you will be to fucked up to do it anyway.

So how much water do you need? Basically you should estimate 2 gallons per day, per person. That includes 1.5 gallons for a shower. If you come with an RV (bunch of sissies… you have not experienced BM if you have not done it with a tent that become a freezer at night and an oven during the day..) then calculate how many people in your RV times 1.5 gallons (one shower a day) multiply by number of days at BM. It will give you the total gallons you need JUST for showers. Then look at your fresh water tank. You WILL have to bring extra water to add to your RV fresh water tank to finish the week.

You will need to drink a lot!!! Of water you morons!!!

Now here is my trick: mix half of Gatorade with water, so like that you get the water and the electrolytes to replenish your poor beat up body of yours.



Well yes… you can be sick at the BM!! What type of sickness???? ALL of them! In fact, only two are very common: home sick and dehydration!!

Home sickness: well… think a lot before you decide to go to BM! You can always leave… but remember how much you paid for it!!!

Dehydration: refer to the WATER paragraph.

Also: hangover!!! Very common… to avoid that, drink a LOT of fluid… the best being Gatorade mixed with water ½ and ½. Carry two bottles with you: one for Gatorade and one for…alcohol of your choice. I usually bring two bottles: both with Gatorade and Sippy Cups for alcohol!!

Now you lucky bastards you are in luck this year… you will have 2 Medical Officers at the camp:  Chris (you know the one with big muscles who is going to protect is cute ass from our friends the gay guys.) and I. We will bring a Medical Bag with everything necessary….just in case… and NO… I don’t bring Medical Pot… so don’t ask.



See above “Water” to calculate the amount you need.

BUT bring also a solar shower for the outside…yes, yes, yes!! You WILL take showers outside!! Naked… in front of the full Camp!!!! Ok… just kidding… well maybe not for the exhibitionists… We bring a portable shower made of an enclosure (put up nicely by the Sexy Furry Monkey….just wait to see her handling the hammer in high heels!!), a chair and ….an IV pole (that can also be used to hang the bag of fluid to resuscitate you because you didn’t listen to me and got fucked up on the Playa!!). Each solar shower contains 5 gallons of water, so 2 showers. Now…tell me, Mom, where is the water coming from for the shower??? Good question son… it comes from recycled ice water. You see at BM you CANNOT buy anything but ICE!! You will need ice for your coolers (and hangovers) so keep the ice water, pour it in the shower and you are in business!! Ok maybe not RIGHT away…. Except if you want an icy cold shower. Let the water bad warm up (takes a few hours) and then use it.



YES it is important!! Remember this is a camp and no one wants to smell your dirty feet!! So bring a bunch of Baby Wipes (3 of them, 88 per box, per person for the week).

What is the enemy? The DUST!!!! It is very alkaline (ok go back to your chemistry books…). It will destroy everything is site: hair, skin, feet, clothes, cars, the ozone layer etc, etc. (Still thinking of coming???).

FEET: the best is to bring white vinegar so you can take foot-soaks twice during the week. Bring also heavy duty moisturizer and at night, after the soak cover your feet with the moisturizer.

Hair: there I going to let the Furry Monkey discussed that!! She has a nice fur all over so she knows what to do!! (In fact the best thing is to be bald… EVERYWHERE!!… Ed… you are in business!!).For the girls with long hairs (Diana, Kim, Clippy (damn sorry man…I didn’t plan to put you in that category)) pay  attention!! – I would recommend bringing shampoo and conditioner for damaged and dry hair. This will help a lot as your hair will become dry very fast.  Also, last year I brought with me a leave-in conditioner (spray) that I would use every time I washed my hair. From my perspective… a MUST!!!

Skin: The Furry Monkey will discuss that too!! – You need a good facial cleanser… something very gentle!  Avoid cleansers with glycolic or salicylic acids. For the day, you need sunscreen, sunscreen and sunscreen.  The higher the SPF, the better it is.  At night, we like to use a toner after cleansing our face.  We found it very helpful with the dust followed by a rich moisturizer.  If ever, you have very dry skin, I would recommend you to use the moisturizer during the day as well.



Do you need clothes?? No, not really… especially if you are built like my Furry Monkey!!

Shoes: the most important item to bring; military or hiking boots that go above the ankles. They need to be comfortable (remember you will be sleeping with them!!) and to protect your feet from the Evil Dust. For the camp or the RV, bring something comfortable (flip flops are NOT comfortable!!… but nice to have for inside the RV!) but still protect your feet. Canvas basketball shoes are perfect…( I have a great pair of those and everyone was jealous of them last year… I am telling you… Yes my Love… sure!!! J)


Costumes: bring the most ridiculous ones!! You’ll fit right in! (Sorry Chris no black T-shirt) . For the freezing nights, bring some fur (I am ok with my Furry Monkey…), something warm to wear because it can get pretty damn cold. During the day: a hat and something to protect you from looking like a lobster.



Just in case you are going to get tired of music (who can get tired of Tintin’s 600 Watt Music Blaster Music??!!), sun, people, dust (sorry no escape there…). You need to create your own Personal Space. Bring a comfortable chair (with a shade if possible), ear plugs or headphones for your own music and a great book or cigar, anything that is YOURS and that will make you serene!! Believe me, you WILL need some time off!!



Well, we are lucky to have McGyver with us!! With only duck tape and a pair of pliers he can fix anything!!

Bring a tool box; that is always helpful (and sex toys also go into tool box…don’t worry Tintin has the batteries for them).  Each RV should have a hammer for the tarps and tents. Tarps are also to bring, for the floor (damn dust again). – You should also bring aluminum foil and tape to cover all the windows in the RV… helps to keep the heat out!


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